Drifting

One day not far removed from my fifty ninth birthday I realized I was drifting. It was a strange sensation for someone that had always defined his life by the job titles he held, the take home pay he deposited, the woman he called his wife and the very car he drove. Why, I’d always had money in my pocket and I driven home every night to a beautiful new home.

I looked around the other day and realized I was drifting, drifting on a funny sort of “Life raft." The home was no longer new; as a matter of fact I was now called a "RENTER." The job titles no longer applied and when I called out her name there was no wife to be found. She had left and taken the dog. So I decided to walk away from the job I despised and I embarked on a forced march to perfection. She had done the forcing so by golly I decided I would get into the personal development industry and then once I was completely fixed (I estimated that would take thirty to forty days give or take a meditation or two) I would set the world on fire and make a few million bucks in the process. I would do what I always did, I would succeed, another challenge surmounted.

So what the hell was I doing drifting? I realized that my original estimate of perfection might have been a bit overly optimistic. I now had adjusted my “Bliss O Meter” to something approaching the rest of my life time and quite possibly beyond that. Hmm, can you actually become a better spiritual person after you’re dead? I’ve been told that’s how it works. I hate to admit it, but for such a successful guy I sure was carrying around a lot of baggage. I should have worked for the airlines. Rather than being easy my personal development journey was actually quite tough. I realized that I wasn’t just drifting three years ago; I was actually plunging straight down through some pretty formidable rapids. I was getting soaked, but not from the rapids but my own sweat. I mean, have you ever seen the guy in the circus that balances those saucers on the end of a stick? There comes a point where he frantically races from one stick to the next stick trying to keep the saucers balanced and spinning. Well, that’s where I had gotten in my life.

It was tough admitting that the worried scared guy looking back at me in the mirror yesterday was the same guy that ten years earlier considered himself to have arrived, whatever the hell that meant. Now here I was 361 days from my SIXTIETH birthday and I was drifting. I felt like a Labrador caught between two muddy ponds. I didn’t know which way to turn. I was becoming an expert on the “Laws of Attraction.” Why, whatever I worried about and obsessed over came true immediately. It truly was magical, except in my case it was more like “Black Magic.” Damn it, “Bliss” was supposed to be easy. Everybody was doing it, finding their “Bliss.” Where in the heck was my Bliss? I looked over there and all I saw was drifting. I looked under there and just found more drifting. There were days my life felt like fresh snow in the middle of an Iowa blizzard. I just kept drifting.

Then, I had a different kind of thought. I mean, I really was learning a lot about myself. I had a bunch of new friends and they genuinely seemed to enjoy my company. I was writing and although not yet nominated for a Pulitzer, I sure did enjoy doing it. My photography skills had soared and next summer I would be studying with my favorite photographer in a great work shop environment high in the Rockies. I was writing my silly screen play and fussing and fussing over it. I had summited three times last summer and was very proud of the fact I still could scurry up the side of a Colorado Mountain. I even had a little girl from Guatemala named Hilaria that I was helping with food and schooling. Why, I was her "Sponsor" and very proud of my role in her life! I realized I wasn’t drifting so much as my life and priorities had changed dramatically. Today, I could care less about a job title unless it was as an honorary chief in the Sioux Indian Nation. Car? My 4-Runner was just fine thank you very much. Heck, my little rental keeps me warm and I just might buy it one of these days. I was now inches away from earning a great living, I just needed to stop the “Fretting” and simply start focusing on the “Receiving.” All the ground work was already in place. When you’ve lived your entire life frenetically chasing the dreams of others while all the time being miserable to the core it’s hard to recognize the “Good Life.” It’s so different and stress free you just might mistake it for drifting.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife has invited me over to her place for dinner.