But, but, but

I’m currently struggling on my life’s path to enlightenment. Yesterday after twenty minutes of Jappa meditation, fifteen minutes of intense, emotional recitation of my affirmations, and another thirty minutes of reading Thich Nhat Hahn’s book on “Anger, “ I promptly went out and flipped off a woman that was obviously challenged in the skills of operating a motor vehicle. I was absolutely crest fallen because I could have done my laundry during that hour of “Soul Mechanics.” So now I was still an emotional wretch AND my laundry wasn’t done, which created a great deal of emotional trauma.

I’m in the personal development industry and I, me, yours truly had just flipped off a woman, a total stranger. Now granted, she was driving fifty miles per hour in a 25 miles per hour zone, talking on a cell phone while lighting her cigarette with two small children strapped in the back seat of her Hummer II, oh and she almost killed me. I was immediately filled with PDS (Personal Development Shame) and now find myself sitting in a lotus position trying to understand why I did what I did. I mean one of my intense, emotional affirmations is “I always act and speak in a calm reasoned manner.” Well I knew the middle finger was not calm, nor was it reasoned, as a matter of fact there was a strong opinion attached to it.

I continually read about and hear people say, “When I realized I was able to create the kind of life I wanted just through my thoughts, I immediately changed the way I went about things and now I’m so happy I can’t stand it!” How in the hell did they do that? I’ve read at least twenty seven books on personal development, some three and four times and I’ve meditated to the point of floating off my chair and waking up in a closet on the opposite side of the house, and I’ve become so emotional and locked in on my affirmations, my neighbors have called the cops thinking I was being attacked. Still, I had just flipped off a total stranger. My God why?

I thought long and hard. Maybe, if I had been born in the eighties I would have been diagnosed with A.D.D. and gotten my fair share of Ritalin? Or just maybe one of my genes, the one responsible for emotional behavior got stuck into that spiral thing called DNA sideways instead of vertically and I was predisposed to being a temperamental ass all my life? Maybe the house I was renting because my ex-wife could no longer stand being married to me was sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground? All I knew was that tomorrow I’d see that same damn woman and she would have reinforcements because “The Laws of Attraction” said that anything I gave thought and emotion to would attract more of the same and the middle finger was pretty much to the point and very emotional.

But, but, but just maybe flipping her off was totally automatic and there was no emotion attached to it, therefore providing little if any attractive power. Maybe tomorrow at that very intersection I’d see some sweet little old lady trying to cross the street and I could jump out of my car and gently guide her to safety creating a wonderful Karma glow that would follow me throughout my day. Just as I got her across the street she would turn and thank me and at that very instant several doves would alight at my feet and together grandma and I would hand feed them. Then unnoticed in the yard next to us a small choir of six and seven year old kids would serenade us with “Jesus Loves Us.” Who am I kidding! Grandma would probably take a swing at me and start screaming for the cops and the kids would have tattoo’s and be singing a hip hop song and the damn doves would drop one right on my head! Oops, there I go again. Sorry, I think I’ll go meditate on that for a while. Maybe the problem is I’m just human and these things take a while. Well the good news is, I got time on my side. Peace!